10. Strike one!
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
was found in the golf bag.
9. "Hello? Guns for hire?"
Arizona: A company called "Guns for Hire" stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.
8. Say cheese!
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While
it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera.)
7. Drop everything and run!
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
6. Just forget it
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.
The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons
decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house,
and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked
the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in
the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the
money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help . . .
4. Let's do a little math
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience
store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
3. I know I forgot something
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
2. You mean me?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
1. The Hefty-bag
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no
one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (Few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where on earth she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", repeatedly. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Mantermills."
You: "Mantermills!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. Say to the Telemarketer, "Sorry, I can't talk right now but if you'd just give me your home phone number I'll call you when I'm not as busy. When they say in a flustered way that they can't give out their home number say, "Oh, I see...you don't want strangers calling you at your home! Now you know how I feel."
10. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
9. Schedule meetings for 4:14 PM.
8. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers or tape dispensers.
7. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
5. When co-worker walks by motion him over, lean forward as if you are about to say something then go back to work.
4. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
2. Include a personal note on every email that you send.
"On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today."
"On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest
score ever on Tetris last night."
1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
.. Good job! You found the hidden text of the funny and humorous Brain of Brian which has jokes I think you'll enjoy. Let's see how many times I can say Jokes in a sentence...The Joking Joker picked the Joker from the deck while telling Jokes. See Jokes. See Jokes run. Run Jokes, run. Jokes, Jokes, and more Jokes! Well, I could go on about Jokes but then you might get bored of Jokes. So, I'll never say "Jokes" again. Just Joking! useless facts sienfeld seinfeld lists jokes gags humor games quotes funny comical sienfeld lists jokes gags humor lists jokes gags humor games quotes funny comical sienfeld lists jokes gags humor games